Short answer: YES.
First, we need to acknowledge that all the type of discriminations, as well as all the antidotes to them, share common traits. Many of the points you will read below can be applied to being an ally against racism, against misogyny, against ableism, ageism etc.
During the events of 2020 many people have learned the basic concept of being an ally - as opposed to being merely a performative ally or even worse, an assh*le.
There are thousands of activists that are dedicating their energies to create and collate resources for us all to learn from. We stand on the shoulder of giants, and one of the current giants that inspires me the most is Nicole Cardoza with Anti-Racism Daily. Subscribe to it, donate to it, read it.
Now back to the question “Do LGBTQ+ folks need cishet allies?”
Yes we do, and here is why.
As part of a minority and even before ever being discriminated against, most of us grow up with a constant sense of being ‘othered’ and somehow wrong. Chances are that this develops in an unhealthy amount of stress, anxiety and shame. Data shows there is a strong link between self-destructing behaviours and homophobia (Avoiding shame: Young LGBT people, homophobia and self-destructive behaviours Mcdermott E., Roen K., Scourfield J. 2008).
The reinforcing mechanism is the following: you don’t come out because you know the risks go from being bullied to losing your family or even being killed. Hiding means that you are denying a big part of what makes you human and to avoid it from showing you develop stress and anxiety, all of which exacerbate the feeling of being wrong, which turns into shame (The Velvet Rage, Downs, 2005).
Now imagine a scenario where one doesn’t feel othered, because the people around them are vocal allies of the LGBTQ+ people. Their parents, their family, their neighbours, the people on TV, the characters in their school book, the teachers. They are made feel welcome by default, the way they are. Imagine the power people like these can have on a young life. You could be one of them, simply by being a cishet ally.
There is nothing inherently shameful about being LGBTQ+, unless the important people in your life make it so.
Share the weight
Those of us who survive teenagehood and became adults, can easily be triggered by seeing homophobia and can’t bear the weight of being allies to their own community, when they are still healing their own wounds. Sometimes there’s avoidance because you feel you have already paid your fare share of pain and you simply can’t take in anymore. For some of us, silence is a consequence of trauma.
What is your silence a consequence of? As a cishet ally, you have the power of taking that weight off of someone’s shoulder and not having to pay the price for it. Why wouldn’t you do it? Yes it’s not easy. Yes it can lead to confrontations. Yes it could result in losing “friends”. Be safe and do it.
Being an ally when no one is watching
Can you tell without a doubt who is LGBTQ+ in your life? What if you are not being an ally, and your behaviour directly affects someone who is still closeted or that is passing as cishet? You would be actively reinforcing the belief that the world is hostile to us and that coming out is dangerous. Be an ally even when no one is watching.
Holding space for others
Because of the heteronormative nature of our society is hard for cishet people to understand what it’s like to be a minority in terms of gender identity and/or sexual orientation. When you do the empathy work for becoming an ally, you hold space for people to safely express themselves, expand themselves, explore themselves in ways that were never given to us. Mind you, we don’t need your permission but it’s good if you offer to share something that by default was created for your consumption only.
Learn to fight your fights
Understanding more about LGBTQ+ rights and identities will empower you in going beyond gender stereotypes and fight your own battles such as equal pay, parental leave, abortion rights, etc.
They are coming for you
Unless you are white, wealthy, non-disabled, cishet, male, chances are you could be affected by some form of oppression. Look at what happened in Poland: first they eroded LGBTQ+ rights with fascist homophobic lies and propaganda, then they came for the women’s rights. Are you going to be next?
Please think of how you can use your privileges - whatever they may be - to support those that are in the crossfire of the numerous oppressive expression of the patriarchy. Do the work and apply it to all the marginalised people you encounter, you will be changing lives. Oh, don’t expect anything in return ;)
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